The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
