Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
