Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
