Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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