Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
