The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
