garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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