Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
