I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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