I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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