Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
