You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
