Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize