is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
