sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
