Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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