being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
