Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
