A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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