A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
