Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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