The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
