I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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