I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
