he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
