Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
