just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
