: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
