Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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