Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
a search helicopter?!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
