I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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