I think I am morally bankrupt
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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