My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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