my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
