I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
