I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We need to rekindle our bromance
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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