I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
