so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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