i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
