Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
