I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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