I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
