Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
