My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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