Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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