Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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