You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm like, not good at living.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
