you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize