come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
