im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
