Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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