That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
