I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
