My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize