From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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