stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
