end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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