he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
