my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
